


to want is a privilege / the want to be wanted is a constant.

by pissyellowcrocs



Series: beast born of flesh, blood / implied to be unfeeling / becoming a self fulfilling prophecy [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Consent, Discussed Consent, M/M, Original Character(s), Other, Recovery, Relationship Anxiety, Trauma, i woke up and couldnt get this out of my head. heart <3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27406939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pissyellowcrocs/pseuds/pissyellowcrocs
Summary: some conversations are hard to have, some words can't be said, but it's always beneficial to make an attempt.also described as: a man grapples with his problems with intimacy. the other man loves him entirely, and is more than willing to wait.
Series: beast born of flesh, blood / implied to be unfeeling / becoming a self fulfilling prophecy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002282
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	to want is a privilege / the want to be wanted is a constant.

"I want you," he had said, rather pointedly. 

N'aeght doesn't favour looking the other in the eyes when he says it either, making a point to be facing his back toward him. A glance at the clock sitting upon the bedside table informed him that it was far too late to be discussing this, but he partly felt as if now, in his haze of sleep he still clung to in hopes of eventually continuing his rest, was the only time he'd be able to bring the topic up honestly. He feels the form next to him shift; he wasn't even sure if they heard him at all. Not that the possibility bothered him - it would have just saved him some trouble. Instead, he feels a hand, all too warm, set its palm upon his bare shoulder. He didn't move, and tried his best to slow his breathing as he waited for a reply, not particularly enjoying the silence bestowed upon him in response. 

"Want me, how?"

The reply was equally quiet as his own voice was - not that he expected much else when the only two things that seemed to be awake right now were the both of them. The question presented was more loaded than it should have been - getting into specifics was what he wanted _least_ , and he can't tell if he's being mocked or not. Did they just want him to say it out loud? A way of laying claim to him? He feels a thumb idly stroke patches of skin on his shoulder blade, and rather than seeming like the gentle comfort it should have been, it rushed him. 

"How-", he swallows, clearing his throat a bit in hopes of making speaking just a bit easier, but he knows the issue doesn't lie with anything physical. "How does a man want another man?"

His voice trembles slightly, keen ear necessary to hear the waver in his words. Tone bites, but not honestly - it's exasperation, more than anything else. The closest to a confession the other would get for a long time. He feels the other's ministrations upon his back come to a halt and silently mourns the loss. The anticipation shouldn't be killing him, weighing in his stomach like a brick, preventing him from leaving bed even if he wanted to, but it wasn't as if he had that much say in the matter. He couldn't control how he felt, that was the whole problem. It wasn't that N'aeght was inexperienced - he certainly wasn't a picturesque example of virginal purity, but past incidents and lessons have drilled into him an unavoidable bitterness. One that follows him every time he feels the forbidden heat accumulate in his lower stomach, every time he looks at a man with a gaze less than innocent.

He had taken to holding his body over his partners like a reward - he had the right to do so, he wouldn't be used and thrown away again - but this one had been so abnormally patient, understanding. They never asked, never pushed the issue, allowed him space to reflect and consider, and _god_ , did he appreciate that. It certainly contrasted with past partners, pawing and whimpering about their 'desperate need'. Unexpectedly, having boundaries so blatantly respected did something to him, kept him awake at night, infuriatingly empty. He ached to reward them. 

" _Want_ can come in many forms," his partner replies, sounding tired, yet charmingly wistful. "For example... I _want_ _you_ in my life. See?"

He wasn't in the mood for sweet nothings or niceties, nor did N'aeght want to beg to be taken seriously. Words said seemed thoroughly insincere, spoken without thought, and it disappointed him. The smile he could feel pressed against his back did little to uplift his spirits, and body heat that was usually welcomed began to sting.

"Stop that- you _know_ what I mean."

He feels the form behind him stiffen for a moment, and relax again. He didn't mean to make the situation tense, it was just a natural and unfortunate ability of his. And still, he feels them move ever closer, entangling their legs with his own. 

"Alright," and he feels the heated breath of a sigh hit the back of his neck. He shivers. "- when?"

"I don't fuckin' know," is his immediate reply. "Whenever we...", and he trailed off, gesturing meekly with the hand he wasn't laying on, the rest of the sentence dying in his throat. That seemed to garner a laugh out of the other, and he was glad that at least _someone_ was enjoying themselves. 

" _Look at me,_ " they said, " _I want to see you._ "

He doesn't want to, would rather die, he thinks. His face flushed a horrible color, heat swelling in his cheeks, he didn't want to be seen as the vulnerable mess he was in the middle of the night, only hidden away. He shakes his head once, curling further in on himself.

" _Please?_ "

Their voice, sounding so earnest, slithers its way into his mind and soothes the ever present timidity he felt when accompanied by his love. And so, with a reluctant pause, he turns over to face them. The other allows a contented noise of approval to escape their lips upon seeing his face, and he struggles to meet their gaze. Muddy green eyes still seemed to light up in the dark, searching for any sign of expression on the other's face. N'aeght can't tell how they feel, and it's making him nervous. Still, he doesn't flinch when a hand approaches to cup his cheek, and melts into their touch as if he'd never been held in his life. They search his own eyes for a moment, and he wonders what they're looking for. He is transparent, a piece of crystal, unable to hide the parts of himself he loves to conceal, and although part of him wishes to be opaque and unreadable, he relishes in finally being found. 

"Whenever you're ready," they almost sing, pressing a kiss to the underside of his jaw with a hum.

**Author's Note:**

> small series based around things i've been wanting to write about my characters but never got an opportunity to. vomitkink/bloodletted on tumblr.


End file.
